The Real World: Star Wars
by Eriks leadinglady
Summary: AU What happens when Anakin, Padme, Leia, Luke, Han, ObiWan, Yoda, and Palpatine are forced to live under the same roof for 3 months? Anakin is obssesed with Chocolate, Padme with toasters, Yoda with Balding, and ObiWan with Healthiness. Please R&R!
1. Locked In

**A/N: Welcome everyone to The Real World: Star Wars! This is a fanfic cowritten by me, Eriksleadinglady, and Darthvengeance. This is just a bit of madness... and please review to say whether you like it or not! And don't forget to go andc heck out our other stories!**

**Chapter 1**

Anakin was holding Padme's hand as they walked towards their new home. They were finally going to have a place to call their own, and they couldn't wait. In front of them, they saw Obi-Wan and Yoda walking towards them.

"Want to see your house we do!" Yoda said while flying on his little hovercraft.

Sabe was behind Anakin and Padme, carrying Padme's bags. She was struggling since there were so many heavy bags, full of Padme's clothes. Obi-wan was helping Anakin use the force to fly his bags in, though Anakin didn't really need much help, for he only had two bags. Also behind them was Palpatine, who was attempting to catch up with Anakin. He had been trying the whole day to talk to him, but Anakin had been too preoccupied to listen.

"You scruffy looking nerfherder!" the whole group heard a woman's voice say.

"Well excuse me, your highness. I was only trying to help," a man's voice said.

Anakin groaned inwardly as he saw Han Solo and Leia, come into sight.

"I thought you said they weren't coming until tomorrow," he whispered to his wife.

"Leia wanted Han to see the place too, and he was leaving tomorrow. I told them that they could come. And I want you to be nice to Han. Leia seems to like him a lot," Padme replied while observing her daughter and Han as they approached.

"Is that why they're always bickering?" Anakin asked, half jokingly.

"Quiet, here they come."

Leia smiled as she reached her parents and fell in step with them.

"Hello Leia," her mother said.

"Hello, mother. Father," she replied. "You remember Han Solo?" Han pierced his lips. He almost hoped that her father didn't remember him; Anakin never really approved of him that much.

"Sadly, I do," Anakin said, receiving a nudge from Padme.

"Oh, it wasn't Han's fault!" insisted Leia.

"Really? It's not his fault when he was driving the ship? When he crash-landed it on Tattooine? And the only remains of my best fighter ship is a scrap of metal? I can see why it isn't his fault at all," said Anakin sarcastically.

"Hey, paps. It wasn't my fault. It was Chewy's. He blasted me with the Millennium Falcon! That clumsy furball," Han muttered under his breath.

"Would you two boys stop it! This is supposed to be a happy day for all of us! And Leia, where's your brother?" Padme asked, looking around for her sixteen-year-old son.

"Right here!" they all heard a voice exclaim from behind them.

They all turned their heads to see Luke pushing his way through everyone else to get to where his family was walking.

"Where were you?" Padme asked worriedly. She noticed the package he was carrying. "What did you get?"

"I was on my way through town, and I thought it'd be nice to get you guys something for the new house." Leia rolled her eyes, but Padme smiled. "And boy did I get something good."

"I hope it's not anything X-rated," said Anakin while he laughed, letting one snort escape.

"Anakin!" his wife proclaimed.

"What? He said it was good..."

"So what did you get sweety?" Padme asked Luke.

Luke unwrapped the gift excitedly and pulled out the marvel inside. "A toaster!" he yelled.

Leia groaned. "Great, I bring home Han, and Luke goes out and buys a toaster! I have the one thing that father hates, and he gets the one thing that mother loves."

Padme was not listening to a word her daughter was saying, she was too entranced by the toaster that she had just gotten. Moving her hands over the shiny metal outside, she let out a cry of glee.

"Oh Lukey! It's wonderful! I'll plug it in right when we get to our new house."

Smiling broadly, Luke looked at his sister, knowing that he had outdone her.

"Men..." she said under her breath so nobody could hear her.

They all walked into the house, and Palpatine ran into the kitchen.

"He must be as excited as me about the toaster!" Padme exclaimed.

Obi-wan stood there confused about why she was so excited about a stupid toaster. He reasoned that you could just get one at a bank for free, so what was so special about this one?

Luke was examining the microwave. "Hmm... good thing I didn't buy one of these...OH MY GOSH! It has a button just for popcorn!"

In the other room, Leia was complaining to Han about Luke out doing her. Han just nodded and agreed, not really listening to what she was talking about. Palpatine was messing with stuff in the cabinet. Suddenly they all heard a click from the door.

Anakin ran over to see what it was. "Oh no…" he exclaimed. "We're locked in!"

"Can't you unlock it!" Padme exclaimed, still rubbing and stroking the toaster.

"No! It's force proof! It has Yaslmari DNA in it to block out Sith Lords!"

"Which means...one of us in here is a Sith..." Obi-wan started gazing around the room suspiciously. Just then, everyone began pointing fingers, exclaiming that so and so was a Sith.

"I bet you're the Sith!" Anakin declared as he pointed a finger at Han.

"What? Me? Whoa there Paps, I don't even believe in the force, let alone have force powers," retorted Han, raising his hands defensively.

"LIAR!" yelled Anakin.

"Settle down honey," coaxed Padme. "I am sure we'll figure this out."

Anakin calmed down for a moment, but then Han blamed him for being a Sith lord, and all the yelling started again. Padme was just fed up with it all and let out a loud whistle. At the sound of it, everyone stopped what they were doing and looked at Padme.

"Now," she explained, "we are all going to go and sit down on the couch and sort this thing out. If the Sith Lord does not come forwards, then we are just going to have to live with him."

"What!" asked Obi-Wan. "I cannot live with a Sith Lord. They are evil and diabolical. Who knows what havoc he will reek or who he will kill."

Luke gasped loudly for dramatic effect, causing to receive a glare from his dad.

"What? I thought it was a good time for something dramatic..." Luke said.

"We already have enough drama with a Sith being one of us!" yelled Anakin. "But I agree with my beautiful wife that we should talk on the couch."

The whole group nodded and walked over to the blue couch that was situated in the middle of the living room.

"Okay…" Padme started, trying to find a diplomatic way to solve the problem without going into aggressive negotiations. "We will all give three good reasons why we're not the Sith lord."

Anakin folded his arms and glared at Han. Han gave him the same look back.

"I'll go first...wait where is Luke?" Padme asked looking around franticly.

"I bet Luke is The Sith! My own son..."

Anakin spoke with mystery in his voice. "Don't jump to conclusions!"

Padme was stroking her toaster, and then polishing off the fingerprints. She then walked into the kitchen to see Luke hugging the microwave.

"My precious..." Luke hissed.

Padme grabbed Luke by the ear and dragged him to the couch.

"Nooooooo! My Precious!" Luke wailed.

"I think you should go first Luke." Obi-wan said, stroking his beard.

"Fine," Luke spat. "I am not the Sith because 1) I am the son of a Jedi 2) I am a Jedi and 3) I have too big of a soft spot for Microwaves to be a hateful Sith."

The group nodded their agreement to Luke's reasons, and decided that he was not the Sith that they were looking for. Next, it was Padme's turn.

"I, Padme Amidala Naberrie-Skywalker, am not a Sith because 1) I am not force sensitive 2) I am not force sensitive and 3) because I am not force sensitive."

Once again, the group agreed that she could not be the Sith Lord. Next on the list

to prove their innocence was Anakin.

"I am not the Sith because 1) I am too good looking 2) I am under a Jedi oath and

3) because I am too good looking."

"Hey!" argued Han. "You used that reason twice! You can't do that!"

"My wife did it," Anakin replied simply.

Han folded his arms and mumbled to himself.

"Why don't you go next, Han Solo?" Anakin mocked.

"Alright, paps. And I'll prove to you once and for all that I am not a Sith. 1) I do not believe in the force 2) I am not force sensitive and 3) I don't even know what a Sith is."

"If you don't know what one is, then how do you know that you're not one?" asked Anakin.

"Because I would now if I was a pawn of evil, alright!"

"If you knew what a Sith was, then why did you just lie and say that you didn't know?" pressed Anakin.

Han was about to stand up and give Anakin a piece of his mind, but Leia held him down.

"Now calm down both of you! I am tired of your bickering!" Leia exclaimed.

"Tired enough to grow hatred and become a Sith?" wondered Obi-wan.

"No! Of course not!"

"Well then, convince us."

"Alright then," she said while she sat up straight and pressed her dress. "1) I have really cool buns in my hair. 2) I am friends with little fuzzy bears called Ewoks. 3) I like cheese."

"Cheese?" Luke asked. "Well, you can microwave it..."

"Good enough reason for me..." Anakin said.

"My turn, it is. 1) I am a Jedi Master. 2) I too like cheese, I do! 3) I can do sweet flips I can! Like so see!" Yoda then proceeded to flip like an absolute insane person, fighting the lamp and then breaking it. "Destroy the Sith we must!"

Obi-wan then stood up. "1) I have had to put up with 2 Skywalkers! 2) I destroyed Grievous. 3) I like chocolate."

"Oh! I like chocolate too! Can I have some!" Anakin yelled.

"I ate it all, sorry Anakin..." Obi-wan said, starting to lick the left over Hershey chocolate.

"Awwww Man... I'm having serious cravings..."

"Chocolate, I have," said Yoda as he held up a chocolate Santa Clause. "Left over from Christmas, it is."

Luke made a disgusted face. "Eww... That was like..." He paused to count it out on his fingers. "2 months ago!"

But Anakin didn't take heed to what his son was saying; he was too entranced  
by the chocolate. To him, it was saying, "Eat me! Eat me!" He gladly answered the call, and lunged himself at Yoda, tearing the chocolate from his hands. Ripping off the wrapper, Anakin stuffed the milk chocolate into his mouth, and chewed contently. Just moments after he had swallowed the chocolate, he got a distorted look on his face, like he was in pain.

Obi-Wan looked at Anakin while he too, had a disgusted look on his face. "It looks like he is constipated... Would you like me to go get some Metamucil?" But before Anakin could respond, he took off running towards the bathroom.

But when he got in there and looked around, it seemed he did not find what he  
was looking for, for he then took off towards the bedroom where all his baggage had been taken.

While he was in there, the rest of the group sat there in awkward silence, glancing all around, except down the hall where Anakin was.

At last Padme broke the silence. "Poor Ani," she said softly. "You know, this used to happen a lot. I once had to take him to a doctor to get him looked at."

This comment received lots of snickers from the group. Leia groaned. She knew Han would never let her father live this down. Anakin had made them promise to never tell anyone about his problem, but now that it had happened in public, Leia guessed that it didn't matter now.

"But when we took him to the doctor," Padme continued thoughtfully, "they said that there was nothing wrong... but they still gave him medication to take." She shrugged her shoulders. "It hasn't happened much since then. Except for now. With that chocolate."

Many people in the group nodded their heads in understanding, and thought  
over what could be the matter with Anakin. Then moments later, they all swiveled their heads to look down the hallway, for they heard footsteps. Everyone gasped as they saw a tall man clad in black armor and wearing a mask, taking in deep raspy breath's, standing before them. Palpatine's face lit up, but no one seemed to notice.

"Ani..." Padme started, but a deep voice cut her off.

"The Jedi must be destroyed! They have betrayed the Republic! Now die!"

The mechanical man lunged at Obi-wan. Obi-wan and the black suited man began to fight. Luke stared at them, and they thought his obsession over everyday kitchen appliances had been wired... the man then turned to Luke.

"Luke!" he began. "Join me! The dark side of the chocolate is stronger! I will complete your training! With our combined strength, we can end this over fattening conflict and bring Wonka candies to the galaxy! Why you? Because I am your Father!"

"Can you buy me a toaster? A really shiny one!" Luke exclaimed.

"Fine! Then we can toast chocolate pop tarts!"

"Yippee! I'm in! Toast! Toast! Toast! Toast!" Luke was dancing around the room, and then he grabbed a bucket and stuck it on his head.

Then he impersonated the breathing and deep voice. "To the chocolate factory!"

"No Luke! Don't be tempted by the chocolate side!" Obi-wan pleaded. "Eat healthy foods... such as peas and prunes...and turnips...and..."

"Ewwwwwww! No way!" Luke yelled.

"I. Darth Vader! Refuse to speak of such healthyness!" Vader yelled.

Padme couldn't take this anymore...was she the only one here with any sanity? Abruptly, she stood up and walked over to Vader.

"Take off the mask, honey," she said firmly.

"Do you want a toaster too?" he asked, trying to persuade her to join him as well.

"Don't you tempt me!" she yelled.

"It's a mega 3000 with dual compartments," he continued.

Padme's eyes lit up. "Can it be pink metal?"

"It can be any color you want, as long as you join me," Vader concluded.

"No!" Obi-wan yelled. "Don't give in Padme! Think of carrots, corn, broccoli…"

"No!" Vader replied. "She shall join me in me conquering the Wonka factory! No one can resist my scrumptious treats! Or my singing Ooompa Loompas from Loompaland! And my 300,000 gallons of chocolate! I shall rule the galaxy with a chocolate hand!"

"Can I eat it?" asked Luke.

"Eat what?" responded Vader.

"Your chocolate hand," he said. "It sounds quite delicious."

"No! You cannot eat mine! Get your own!" Vader said defensively, while clutching his hand.

Luke pondered this for a moment. "Well I guess I could remove my mechanical hand and replace it with a chocolate one… Hmm… Milk, White, or dark chocolate…"

"Dark," said Vader. "Only Jedi's enjoy white chocolate."

"Well what about milk chocolate? That's sort of in the middle right?"

"But you are not…"

"That is quite enough!" Padme exclaimed. "I will not have my son wearing chocolate for a hand! And that is final!"

"Aw man…" said Luke while hanging his head.

"Now honey," Padme continued while turning to Vader. "We need to discuss your want for ruling the Wonka factory."

"Padme, if I get control of the factory, there will be a free toaster with every visit."

"FREE TOASTERS!" Padme screamed. "I am SO in!"

"Nooooooo!" cried Obi-Wan as he fell to his knees.

"Settle down you must," said Yoda. "Complain you cannot. Balding I am. Bigger problem, that is, than ruling a chocolate factory."

"But Master Yoda," started Obi-Wan.

"Obi-Wan, you shall join me or eat this chocolate bar," said Vader while holding up a Wonka bar.

"Does it have the Golden Ticket?" asked Luke excitedly. "Could I be one of the lucky little kids who gets to go to the factory and meet Mr. Wonka?"

"No. These are ordinary bars of chocolate, Luke. But once I rule the factory, you can…"

Sadly he never finished his sentence, for something happened. For Vader then fell to the floor, having a seizure. The group crowded around and looked at the man writhing on the ground. But just as suddenly as it started, it stopped. As if nothing had happened, Vader got up and went into the bedroom. Moments later, Anakin showed up down the hall, dressed as he normally is. He walked down the hall and back into the living room, from where he went into the kitchen. When he came back out, holding a drink, he was met by many stares.

"What are you looking at?" he asked as he went and sat down on the couch by Leia.

"So, where were we? Ah, I think it was ol' Palp's turn!" Anakin started. Everyone continued staring, until Palpatine started talking to break the strange awkward silence."Well, 1) I am a politician. 2) I'm not balding, like other people we all know..."

Yoda then jumped up. "Graying you are now! Balding will come soon it will!"

"Anyway...," continued Palpatine. "3) I enjoy white chocolate, which indicates that I am with the Jedi." Palpatine then sat down, and stuck his tongue out at Yoda. Padme rolled her eyes, and then walked into the kitchen to get a drink. She came back to find Palpatine and Yoda arguing like elementary school kids.

"Your mama's so fat, that when she went to a hotel and asked for a water  
bed they threw a blanket over the ocean!" Palpatine yelled, throwing  
a pillow at Yoda.

"Not true, that statement is! So poor you are, that I went to your house and asked where the bathroom was, and you said three trees down!" Yoda yelled throwing the pillow back.

Padme was going to butt in when Palpatine started talking again.  
"You're so poor, I went to your house and stepped on a roach and you said,  
wreck the family car you did! Plus I picked up a penny and you said you must put down the family fortune!"

Padme then dove at the thrown pillow and caught it in the air, not spilling her drink at all. "Now that is enough boys!" she yelled as she placed the pillow back on the couch.

"Dissed me first he did," Yoda accused.

"Well if you weren't such a green, balding troll, then maybe there would be  
no reason to diss you," Palpatine retorted, causing Yoda to begin to force choke him.

Padme gasped. "Yoda! Stop that before I put you in time out! And Palpatine, no more rude comments or a time out will be necessary for you too!"

"Yes Ma'am," they both said in unison.

"Good." Next Padme turned her attention to Anakin, who was arguing on the couch with Han. She also noticed how annoyed her daughter looked, so she decided to step in between the boys.

"You're just dumb," said Anakin.

"You're dumber," responded Han.

"You're dumberer."

"No I'm not!"

"Yes, you are."

"Are not!"

"Are too."

"Are not!"

"Are too."

"Are not!"

"Are not!" said Anakin mischievously.

"Are too!" yelled Han.

"Ha!" said Anakin while standing up on the couch. "Gotcha! You said you  
were dumberer!"

"No!" said Han. "You tricked me!"

Anakin began to dance upon the couch cushions. First doing the Cabbage  
Patch, and then doing the Running Man. "Well you're just dumb enough to be tricked. So that proves that you are dumberer!" whooped Anakin.

Once again, Han just sat there and folded his arms, beginning to mumble.

Han then turned to Anakin, "At least I am not a freaky man with a breathing mask when I eat chocolate!"

Anakin then lunged at Han yelling like a mental person. Padme dove into the fury and grabbed Anakin by the ear. "STOP! EVERYONE! IF I HAVE TO BE STUCK HERE WITH YOU OVER OBSESSIVE PEOPLE, WE'RE GOING TO DO IT MY WAY!"

Everyone quieted down almost immediately. They all sat down in their seats and were all looking at Padme. "We still have no idea who the Sith is, so I guess we are just going to have to live like this."

Padme then began assigning everyone rooms. Padme gave Luke the room furthest from the kitchen, Palpatine was in the room next to Anakin's and Padme's. Leia and Han got the room by Luke, which was next to Luke's so he wouldn't alphabetize the vegetables in the pantry.

"Wait! Where is Yoda?" Padme began looking for him, and then they heard a strange humming coming from the bathroom. Yoda was standing on the sink, putting Just For Men in his hair.

"YODA! That's mine!" Palpatine yelled snatching the box away from him.

"NO! Grow back my hair I must!"

Palpatine and Yoda were then fighting over the box, playing some obscure game of tug-a-war. Anakin then took out his light saber and slashed the box in half.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Palpatine and Yoda said in unison.

"What was that for!" Palpatine yelled.

"Aggressive negotiations!" responded Anakin. "Now I'm thirsty! Go get me some chocolate milk or something!"

"Yes sir!" said Palpatine happily. He scurried off and prepared some  
chocolate milk... with extra dark chocolate.

"Wise, it is not, to have chocolate," said Yoda once he and Anakin were  
alone.

"Put a sock in it, baldo," retorted Anakin sourly.

"Old age will get you to!" said Yoda as he walked away. "Beware the groove..." he whispered hauntingly. "The groove..."

"What?" asked Anakin.

But Yoda was already down in his room, leaving Anakin utterly confused.

"Here you are, my dear boy!" said Palpatine as he approached Anakin while  
holding the chocolate milk.

"YES! More CHOCOLATE! chocolate! chocolate! chocolate! chocolate..." he chanted just before he raised the milk to his mouth and...

"ANAKIN!" yelled Padme, just stopping him from guzzling the entire glass.

"What?"

"What do you think you're doing? I will not have you transform into the  
masked man and tempt us all!" Padme cried.

"I only tempt with toasters..." said Anakin softly.

"Don't you take the toasters name in vain!"

"Toaster."

"Ohhh!" cried Padme as she ran at Anakin and tried to pry the milk  
from his hands.

"NOOOOOOO!" yelled Anakin as his wife prevailed and took the glass of  
milk from him.

Padme stood before Anakin, wavering the milk in front of his face. "Now, you are NOT to have any more chocolate, is that clear?"

Anakin nodded his head, still entranced by the chocolate liquid. "And," continued Padme, "No one is to give you any either!" She stared at Palpatine, and he too nodded. "Alright then, I think I made myself clear."

Just as she was about to turn and drink all the milk herself, Anakin dove and tackled her. The next moments went by in slow motion as Anakin cried, "Nooooo!" as he attempted to slide and catch all the spilling milk before it landed on the ground. Luckily for him, he was a Jedi and was able to move extremely fast and get all the contents into his mouth. Then he swallowed all the milk in content, but it was only moments before he once again got that distorted look on his face and was seen running to the bathroom. Padme was still on the ground in shock, but was only heard to mumble, "Oh toaster, not again..."

**It is a fanfiction sin to read and not review!**


	2. To the Factory!

**A/N: Thank you so much for all the reviews that we have gotten for this story so far! Darth Vangeance and I love the feedback that we've gotten and ithas been awesome, and please keep it comin! Thxs!**

**Disclaimer: Don't own Star Wars, Willy Wonka, or anything else that you may recognize.**

**Chapter 2**

Then he swallowed all the milk in content, but it was only moments before he once again got that distorted look on his face and was seen running to the bathroom. Padme was still on the ground in shock, but was only heard to mumble, "Oh toaster, not again..."

"Yes, toaster!" Vader proclaimed as he slipped into his breathing suit. Palpatine's face lit up with joy then he ran down the hall like a giddy child who just got a lollypop. Vader then began to search for Luke.

"Luke! We must hurry! We must get to Willy Wonka! He holds the power we need!" Vader looked down at his son.

"But dad, I thought we had the force, isn't that enough?"

"No my son, he holds something we do not have. He is the keeper of a greater magic!"

"The Schwartz!"

"No you fool! He's not Yogurt for crying out loud! He holds the power of..."

"Colonel Sander's original recipe!"

"No! Now shut up while I finish! He has the power, of chocolaty imagination!"

"Let's go! But wait...how do we get out?"

"Hmmm...we can't soooo...we can use the world wide web!"

"Yippy! Lets go!" Luke and Vader then went to the laptop and sent Willy Wonka a life/chocolate threatening email. It went something (ok maybe exactly like this...)

Dear Mr.Wonka,

We are pleased to inform you (though I'm sure you're not pleased at all  
to be informed) that we will be coming very soon to take your factory.  
We need your chocolaty powers to take over the galaxy. You will either  
join willingly, or by force. Resistance is futile. You will not win.

Signed,

Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker

P.S. No matter how many Oompa Loompas you muster up, you will still loose  
P.S.S. I love you! (from Luke)

Meanwhile, on the other side of the galaxy...

"Oh goody! Mail!" (This is the Johnny Depp version of Willy Wonka. It is built around his personality) Mr.Wonka reads the letter and gasps.

"Gasp! Evil doers, well at least they aren't hateful dentists or health freaks or something..." Suddenly another letter came from them.

P.S.S.S. We live with a health freak named Obi-wan. Join us, or we'll  
sick him on you!

"No! What is an amazing chocolateer to do!" Willy Wonka sent back another email.

Dear Evil Morons,

I'm pleased to inform you that you cannot take over my factory! I am  
expecting five lucky winners pretty soon and cannot have you taking my  
factory. I must show them my edible room, where everything is edible.  
Including me, but that is called cannibalism, which is looked down upon  
in most countries. If you come, an entire legion of my best Oompa  
Loompas will get you.

P.S. I'm glad you love me, but unfortunately for you it's not mutual.

Back at the house, Vader checks his mail, and is pleased to find a reply from Mr. Wonka. But his pleasure slowly turns to a furious rage as he sees that Mr. Wonka is not giving in to him. In order to release his rage, he writes a reply full of hate and dark chocolate.

Mr.Wonka

Listen here you pasty colored freak! I don't care how many Oompa Loompas you got in that factory, I will force choke them all! Leaving no one to run your precious factory and putting you out of business! I will stop at nothing to get your factory and your secret recipes! If you continue to deny me, then I shall kill all that you hold dear. I have contacts in high places. I encourage you to surrender.

D.V.

P.S. Your Wonka Bars taste like chalk!

P.S.S. No they don't!

P.S.S.S. Shut up Luke!

He was sure that Mr. Wonka would give in to him now. If not, he would force a way out of this house and go deal with him personally.

After he and Luke had sent the mail, Obi-Wan showed up behind them.

"Whatcha up to?" he asked casually.

"Nothing that you would be concerned about," replied Vader.

"Oh, I doubt that. Since I am Mr.Wonka's brother."

"WHAT!" Yelled Luke. "You know Mr. Wonka personally! But you don't look anything like him... You're a lot fatter than he is..."

"I am not fat!" yelled Obi-Wan. "But yes, he is my kin."

"Then you shall either make him give us the factory, or else he will die," ordered Vader.

"Go ahead. I never liked him much," agreed Obi-Wan.

"But he's your brother," Luke said.

"I don't care. He left me to live with our father all by myself. I can never forgive him for that."

"So.. what was wrong with your father?" Luke asked.

"He was a dentist..." Obi-Wan said, spitting the words.

Luke stared at him with his mouth agape. "What's a dentist?"

"A person who cleans teeth."

"Eww... Who would want to do that?"

"Psychopath's."

"So why aren't you one?"

"Because I am not a psychopath."

"But only psychopaths don't like chocolate. So that would make you one, right?"

"I have friends who are perfectly sane and don't like chocolate."

"Well, the statistics on sanity is that 1 out of every 4 friends is mentally disabled. So if you say it's not your friends, then it must be you."

"I have more than 3 friends!"

"Really?" asked Luke, cocking his head. "Let's see: there's Yoda, Padme, Leia, and Mace. That's three."

"That's four."

"No, it's three."

"Four. Leia, Padme, Mace, and Yoda. Four," said Obi-Wan, who was starting to get annoyed.

"That is soo three," replied Luke.

"Whatever."

"Silence! There are more important things about to transpire! Luke, go get me chocolate, I'm loosing the chocolate groove. Obi-wan, type the next letter!"

Luke immediately ran to the kitchen grabbing a Wonka bar and handed it to his father. Vader instantly grabbed it and shoved it through the slots on his mask. Meanwhile, Obi-wan was writing his brother a letter, while Luke and Vader read the one that just came in.

Dear Morons,

My Oompa Loompa's will be protected by Yasmalri, yes I know all to well  
of the force because of my stoopide force sensitive brother! My father  
had favored him because of his 'talents' and left me as a guinea pig for  
his new retainers. And I'm sure you have no contacts. I have nothing  
to fear so come and get me tin man!

P.S. My Wonka bars don't taste like chalk

P.S.S. I'm glad you like them Luke

P.S.S.S. Leave my fan Luke alone!

Vader glared angrily at the screen. Obi-wan stared just as angrily. "He obviously never read the Jedi apprentice series." Obi-wan said shaking his head. "I bet Father dropped him on his head."

"Yippee! Mr.Wonka knows my name!"

"Shut Up Luke!"

"Yes dad..." mumbled Luke.

"Alright, I finished the letter!" declared Obi-Wan excitedly.

"Good! Now our plan will transpire and we can rule the Chocolate Factory!" yelled Vader. "Let us read the letter."

Dear Willy,

This is Obi-Wan, your good-looking, smart, talented brother. I would just like to inform you that Vader and Luke are very serious and DO hold high contacts in the government. (one is married to a senator, the other a daughter of a senator, and are both friends of the Supreme Chancellor) In an instant, they could have your whole factory shut down, and all your Oompa Loompas exiled or killed. Do you want that to happen? No? Then I suggest that you do as they say. And not only do they have contacts in the government, but they can also send all the Jedi to your factory.

Your Brother,

Obi-Wan

P.S. Yaslmari DNA has no effect on Jedi, so that little trick won't work. The Jedi will destroy you, for you are conspiring against one of our own.

"What do you think?" asked Obi-Wan.

"It shall do. We can expect no better from a Jedi," said Vader simply.

Obi-Wan rolled his eyes.

"I think it's great!" cried Luke.

"Silence! You know nothing! Now come! We must find a way to get to the Factory and complete your training!" said Vader.

"Um... dad. What training am I in?" wondered Luke.

"The training of the Sith Chocolateers!"

"Goody! I am going to become a chocolateer!"

"Now, Luke, for your first lesson!"

The Sith Chocolateer training program 

Lesson 1: The 5 Commandments

_Always submit to the power of Chocolate; it knows best._

_Never gamble with a chocolate bars life; either eat it or leave it be._

_Never, under any circumstance, eat vegetables. They are green and radioactive._

_At the annual Sith Christmas Party, always bring dark chocolate. It can be in either: cake form, bar form, cupcake form, or icing form_.

_Never freeze chocolate; it cancels out the rich, chocolaty taste_.

"Wow father! Those are a lot of rules! I don't even think I can count that high.

1…2….3…4…..6…..7….8….9…..10………."

"Luke, don't hurt yourself…………." Vader sighed and rolled his eyes. How could his son be such a dolt? Well, he is a blonde moisture farmer who was raised by a fat old farmer. "So how do we get out of the house?"

"We can't leave until we defeat the original Sith Lord." Obi-wan stated simply.

"Well this could be a problem, since there is only one more chocolate bar left." Luke held up the last Wonka bar. Vader groaned.

"Well, I'm a Sith, but I wouldn't make a door that would lock myself in and Luke isn't a full Sith yet and Obi-wan is too healthy so……………"

"That narrows it down, so we just have to monitor everyone's behavior." Obi-wan said. Suddenly Yoda hobbled in the room.

"Beware the groove!" Yoda raved.

"Is he still raving about the groove again!" Vader asked angrily.

"Yes, and he won't shut up!" Palpatine yelled as he burst in the room. He was rubbing his temples, trying to rid himself of his headache. "He's talked about nothing but his 'groove' for the past hour! I can't take it anymore!"

"The groove! The GROOVE!"

"SHUT UP! Before I tear the remaining white hairs out of your little green head!" screamed Palpatine.

"Touch me you shall not!" replied Yoda.

"Or what? The Groove's going to get me?" mocked Palpatine.

"Already got you, the groove has!"

Palpatine laughed... err... cackled. "I'm sure I don't know what you mean."

Obi-Wan gasped. "That chocolate! The chocolate groove got Palpatine! Ha! I'm smart! go Obi! go Obi! it's your birthday! it's your birthday!" Yoda hit him over the head with his stick. "Ow! What was that for?"

"Figure it out, you did not. Unraveled the hidden mystery, I did."

"Oh fine! You always take all the fun away..." Obi-Wan grumbled.

"Tons of fun, I am!"

"SILENCE!" roared Vader. The whole room fell silent and looked sheepishly at Vader. "Now, we must destroy the sith so we can go rule the chocolate factory!"

"YES!" cried Luke. "Finally!" Then he began singing his favorite song, which goes a little something like this:

_'Willy Wonka,_

_Willy Wonka,_

_The amazing Chocolateer._

_Willy Wonka, _

_Willy Wonka, _

_Everybody give a cheer._

_He's oh so clever and so smart_

_He can barely retain it_

_With so much generosity_

_Who can barely contain it_

_to contain.. to contain... to contain… TO CONTAIN!_'

"LUKE! Shut it!" yelled Vader.

"Sorry, daddy-o. I was just caught up in the moment..."

"Of course. It's your mother's fault that you turned into a dolt. Those genes are on her side of the family you know..."

"Hey!" Padme said, as she just entered the room after she heard all the yelling. "Luke is not a dolt, and even if he was, it would surely have come from your side of the family. After all, you're the one who doesn't even know who is father is."

"I so know who my father is!" argued Vader

"Really?"

"Yes! It's Qui-Gon!"

Padme snorted. "Really, honey, that's the dumbest thing you've said all day."

"Nah, I've been way dumber before. Like that one time, at band camp..."

"No Anakin! Don't you dare say that line again!"

"Fine! You insolent woman!" Vader said. "You and Yoda are such party poopers..."

"Party poopers we are not, have the groove we do!" Yoda began doing the Hammer Time dance.

"I'm Yoda's groove apprentice! You cannot defeat the power of our groove!" Padme then began to join Yoda in his Hammer Time dance.

"Obi-wan, now you can see that the chocolate side is more sane. Join us!" Vader ordered.

"Well fine, but only if I can have Slim Fast chocolate." Obi-wan conceded.

"Glad to see we are on the same page, who else is going to join us?" Vader then drew a line across the living room, one side for chocolateers and the opposing side for The Groovers. Palpatine ran and joined Vader and the gang along with Han. Leia and Sabe, who passed out in Padme's room after carrying in all the bags, ran over to The Groovers.

"Han!" Leia yelled at her husband.

"Look, I had chocolate before I even knew you existed so……….." Leia glared back angrily. Palpatine was skipping in place.

"Choc-choc-choc-choc-choc-choc…….." Vader finally slapped him on the back. "Choc-choc-chocolate wins!" Palpatine was now skipping with his feet in place.

"The Groovers, kick your chocolate butts we will!" Yoda threatened.

"We'll see about that! It's chocolate time!" Luke screamed.

"No, grooving time it is!" yelled Yoda.

"I shall turn the oceans to chocolate! And create my empire out of chocolate! And I shall make you insolent goobers into my house slaves!" yelled Vader. But then added softly. "Except for you Padme, you'll be queen of course.

"Do I get pretty dresses?" she asked.

"Of course.

"And toasters?"

"All the toasters in the world will be ours."

"Alright! I'll be queen!" she said joyfully.

"Good, good. Now join me and fulfill your destiny."

"I already fulfilled my destiny."

"What? How? When?"

"Oh, I played that "Fulfill your destiny" game over at B King and won a free drink!"

"Hey, so let me get this straight," said Han. "Winning a free drink was your destiny?"

"Uh-huh! Isn't it great! I like had to do nothing at all! Who knew it would be so easy!

"Stay on the goober side!" cried Vader. "We don't need you!"

"Um... dad," said Luke meekly. "It's Groovers not Goobers."

"I know that! But I like Goober better."

Leia rolled her eyes. "It's Groovers dad."

"Goober. See? You're all green."

"I think all that chocolate has finally gone to his head," whispered Padme to Leia.

"Brown, Goobers are," said Yoda.

"Let's get on with the chocolate already!" yelled Palpatine.

"Fine, but you shall compete first, Palpatine, to prove your loyalty," said Vader

"Sweet! What's challenge number 1?"

Before Vader could answer, the groovers began singing to their dance.

"Can't touch this! Wait……….Hammer Time! Do Do Do Do……….."

"Shut up you insolent worms! Now everybody, make me chocolate. I'm running low and we don't want me turning back into my pansy like personality. Only dark chocolate, or you will face the consequences, which might even be death!" The chocolateers ran into the kitchen and began making the best tasting dark chocolate that they could muster. Of course it could never come close to Willy Wonka's bars…but…Luke thought the bars tasted quite delectable. But he licks toasters too so…

"Good it's done, hurry, I'm running low on power…" Vader then inhaled the first chocolate bar.

"Good! Now we have proven ourselves!" Luke exclaimed happily.

"No you pathetic fool. I just needed chocolate, we need to test to see which of us is the Sith Lord. Now…how to decide…"

"How do we know one of the groovers isn't The Sith?" Han asked Vader.

"Very simple, they are too incopident to be evil conniving Sith. It's not me… it's not Luke… and it's not Han…" Vader was thinking allowed when Han interrupted.

"You don't think it's me? But I thought you said…"

"That was my annoying Anakin personality, and once we take over the factory I will have enough chocolate to destroy him…he is too stupid to see that you are not force sensitive."

"You just gave me yet another good reason to join you Master Vader!" Han exclaimed, running next to Luke.

"That just leaves Palpatine…hmm…what to do…" Palpatine's face was twisted in worry. Suddenly Vader jumped up with an idea. "I have an idea! Luke…make recipe 66!"

"What in the name of all kitchen appliances are you talking about!" Luke exclaimed.

"Look in your _Becoming A Chocolateer For Dummies _handbook, after the 5 commandments page. Then search through the pages until you find the recipe and make it."

"Yes Father!" Luke then began flipping through the pages at a rapid pace. "Oh my! You don't mean………you can't be serious! This is beyond…"

"Luke, just do it. It is the only way and you're the only one I can trust to make it besides myself and if I touch those ingredients I'll…" Vader went into the fetal position on the ground.

"Don't worry Father! I will not fail you!" Luke ran into the kitchen and began working on Recipe 66.

**3 Hours Later……**

"I'm finished Father, now what?" Luke held a wrapped package out of the groups site in his hand. Even the groovers stopped their dance lessons and watched Luke. Vader walked over to his son.

"Give it to him. Then we will know……." Luke's eyes lit up with fear, but he walked over to Palpatine. He looked at Luke with question in his eyes as Luke handed him the package. Luke stepped away quietly as Palpatine unwrapped the paper. He threw the object in the air and screamed.

"No! Anything but that! No!" Palpatine was wailing in the corner.

"Eat it, and we will know where your loyalties belong…" Palpatine looked at Vader in disbelief, but he stuck the white substance in his mouth and…

"NOOOOOOOOOO! I'm……MELTING! OH WHAT A WORLD! It BURNS US PRECIOUS! IT…………………………BURNS………………………….US!" Palpatine was then silenced. All that was left of him was a pile of robes on the ground and the half eaten white thing.

"Luke…What was recipe 66?" Han asked as he examined the steaming robe.

"White chocolate, I gave him white chocolate…" Vader put his hand on Luke.

"We learned something important today didn't we?" Vader said.

"Yeah, not only does crack kill, but white chocolate too…" Luke sobbed into his hands when Vader smacked him upside his head.

"It killed Palpatine because he was a Sith Lord. But we are Sith of Chocolate, it will kill us too but……not in the same way. Now we must think of a way to invade the factory…" Vader began thinking they heard a noise from the front door.

Click!

"The door!" Everyone yelled in unison. Padme was the first one to reach it.

"It's unlocked!" She proclaimed loudly. "We're free!" She flung the door open and was about to run outside when Vader picked her up.

"You are not going anywhere, Padme," he said. "You are coming with us to the factory."

"Why?"

"You may come in handy."

"No, I'm as useful as a sac of potatoes."

"Potatoes are very useful, mother," interjected Luke. "You can make Potato stew, potato pie, potato cake..."

"We get it Luke!" yelled Vader. "And Padme, your negotiation skills are greater than mine."

"Oh, alright."

"To the factory!" cried Luke.

"But how are we going to get there?" asked Han.

"Oh! I know!" yelled Padme. "The magic toaster!"

"... What's that?"

"My ship."

"Where do we find this factory?" asked Vader.

"It is on Earth."

"To Earth!" yelled Luke.

So they all went and loaded into a spacecraft and went flying off to the planet Earth. When they got there, they were astonished by what they saw.

"Where are we?" Padme asked.

"My Spider senses are telling me that we are in London."

"Which is..."

"On Earth."

"Ah."

"So where's the factory?" asked Luke.

"I know! I know! Over there!" Obi-Wan yelled.

"When did you get here you atrocious groover!" roared Vader.

"I was aboard the ship!" said Obi-Wan.

"Oh. To the factory!"

So off they went to the chocolate factory in order to complete their quest to conquer. At last they arrived at the iron gate, where a giant factory stood in the back.

"Open Sesame!" Luke yelled, in an attempt to open the gates, but nothing happened. Instead a voice came on.

"Who goes there?" it asked.

"Your soon to be ruler! Let us in!" cried Vader.

"What's the magic word?"

"Or else I'll tear you from limb to limb!"

"Okay! Come right on in!"

The gates slowly opened up and the group went inside to meet Mr. Willy Wonka.

**It is a fanfiction sin to read and not review!**


	3. Destroy! & Conquer!

**A/N: Thanks so much to all of the faithful reviewers! We both appreciate all the reviews! Enjoy the chapter, and please let us know what ya think! Thxs!**

**Disclaimer: We do not own Star Wars or Willy Wonka.**

**Chapter 3**

"So this is Master Wonka's factory! Wowie it's big!" Luke was gaping at the size of the factory. "I bet he has big toasters!"

"Luke, shut up! Do not say that Wonka is our Master! I am! For I am more handsome! I am stronger! Smarter! And….." Darth Vader was then interrupted by Obi-wan.

"And more modest too………….."

"Yes, there is that too!"

"If we are better, then why do we need his factory and recipes?" Luke asked innocently.

"You are cruising for a bruising young man!"

"That's because he knows you are right…" Obi-Wan added.

"I didn't ask for your opinion you stupid Groover!"

"I am not a Groover! I am a Slim Fast Chocolateer spreading chocolate and healthiness to the world!" Obi-wan began singing a commercial jingle for his Slim Fast chocolate.

_Slim Fast!_

_It tastes like Chocolate_

_Slim Fast_

_It makes you look real lean!_

_Slim Fast_

_S-L-I-M_

_Slim Fast_

_So buy some Slim Fast, get un-fat today!_

_Hey!_

"That is the gayest jingle I have ever heard. And you used the comet song!" Vader accused.

"So? Did you like it Luke?"

"I loved it! I'm using it as my COM-Link ring tone!"

"Fine, whatever! Let's just go in there and take what is right fully ours! The WORLD!"

"Sith Chocolateers……..taking over the world, one factory at a time!" Luke said in a deep mystical voice.

"Wait! We need to eat these!" Obi-wan held up there chocolate Slim Fast Bars. "What in the name of everything chocolaty is that?" Vader asked.

"It'll protect us from the Yaslmari!" Obi-wan then ripped one open and ate it.

"I thought you said they had no effect on us!" Luke whined.

"I lied, we are totally powerless against them, so I invented these bars!"

"Okay then let's go!" Luke then led the trio into the gates. Suddenly, they heard a large mob of people at the gate.

"What…?" Vader started, but then he remembered Willy Wonka's letter….

I'm expecting 5 lucky winners…… 

"Oh my…….what are we going to do?" Obi-wan looked fearfully into the crowd.

"I have an idea." Vader led the others into the crowd where they stole Violet's, Mike's, and Augustus' golden tickets then went back to the gate.

The gates began to open, and as the three of them began to go inside, a noise stopped them all.

"Hey!" someone from the crowd yelled. "Look at the ugly black tin can! Hey Tinny! Shouldn't you be part of the factory!" Then the man began to laugh maniacally.

Immediately Vader turned around and shot a death glare at the impudent fat man. At once Vader stuck out his hand in a fist and killed the man. With the swoosh of his cloak, he walked inside the gates.

"You cannot go around killing civilians!" Obi-Wan said when they were at the steps.

"Don't console me Obi-Wan! That slim-fast must've gone to my head... Wait, no. I do believe I enjoy killing people."

"Whoo-hoo!" Luke yelled. Obi-Wan stared at Luke.

"What? They have singing dolls. And it's my favorite song too!" replied Luke as he swayed back and forth and sang along with the tune that a stage of moving dolls were singing.

"Oh put a sock in it Luke!" yelled Vader, but quickly took it back as the stage began to light on fire. "No, I take that back! This is the best show ever! Look at the flames! Yeah baby!" After the final explosion of the stage, Vader began raving once more. "Yeeeaaaaahhhhh! Let's see that again!"

"Wasn't that great?" said a new voice from beside the five lucky winners.

"It sure was!" cried Luke.

A tall, pale, skinny man stood behind them. His smile soon faded as he looked at Vader, Luke, and Obi-wan.

"Oh………no……….. on inside……….." Wonka and Obi-wan exchanged evil glares as the group entered the factory leaving a whining Augustus, Mike Teevee, and Violet behind them.

The entire group followed Mr. Wonka with curiosity (especially Luke, who was panting like a dog and watching Wonka's every move.) The only person who did not care an ounce about him was Vader, who only wanted to slice the bantha fodder in two and rule his factory already. There was one annoying little boy who looked like a hobo in the group who kept on pestering Vader with conversation.

"Hello, I'm Charlie," the boy said.

Vader turned his head slowly and looked at the boy, his breath very loud. "I do not associate myself with those who own nothing. I am better than you in all possible ways. I own my own Empire and control many people, who obey my every wish. It would be in your best interest to stop talking to me and stay at least 200 feet away from me at all times."

For a moment, Charlie looked slightly stunned, but them put on his biggest possible smile, which made Vader's stomach churn.

"Wow! You sound important!" Charlie exclaimed.

"I am."

"Where did you say you were from again?"

"I didn't."

"Oh, could you tell me anyway?"

"No."

"You're mean, but I think you're cool anyway!"

"You have a fan dad!" Luke exclaimed.

"Oh…..goody……" replied Vader, sarcasm dripping off every word.

It was then that everyone noticed that Obi-wan and Willy Wonka were glaring at each other angrily.

"Uh Oh, I sense and argument coming……………" Luke said.

And Luke was exactly right.

"I DID NOT EAT YOUR BURRITO!" screamed Obi-Wan.

"Yes you did!" Wonka screamed back. "It was a special chocolate burrito, and you ate it!"

"NO! I told you I don't know what happened to it!"

"That's because you ate it!"

"Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!" started chanting Vader and Luke.

Suddenly Wonka and Obi-Wan put their fists up and began circling each other. Vader and the rest of the gang then formed an audience around them. Wonka threw the first punch, but only ended up hitting the air, for Obi-Wan dodged it. Then it was Obi-Wan's turn. He punched an upper jab on Wonka's face, and sent a few teeth flying out of his brother's mouth. The whole crowd went, "Ohhh! Ahhh!"

Wonka stumbled backwards, but then threw his body at Obi-Wan and tackled him to the ground. The fight then became a catfight, with only Wonka and Obi-Wan slapping each other's hands and yelling.

"I did not!"

"Did too!"

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

This went on for quite some time, thus causing the audience to lose interest and ended up with them just going inside the factory themselves. Once the two fightees noticed that no one was watching anymore, they were quick to jump off each other and run inside as well.

"Father always favored you!" Wonka yelled. "Sending you to that special school! And trying out all his new retainers on me! I hate you for what you did, father favored you because you were a freak like him!"

"Father is not a freak!" Obi-wan yelled.

"Who is their father?" Luke and Vader asked in unison.

"None other than the man you killed Vader!" Obi-wan cried.

"You are going to have to be way more specific," Vader retorted plainly.

"In Episode 3!" Obi-wan yelled angrily.

"That doesn't help……"

"Dooku you slimo!" Obi-wan yelled.

"This is awkward…" Vader shook his head. "That explains why you suck when it comes to fighting."

"I am better than you at light saber fighting!" Obi-Wan yelled.

"NO! My powers surpass yours infinitely! No one can compare to my immaculate strength and courage and bravery!"

"Yeah!" agreed Luke. "My dad is THE best! He knows everything! From Sith to Jedi and women and... just everything!"

"He knows nothing about women," Padme countered.

"I got you, didn't I?" asked Vader.

"... Well that doesn't count. That was soooo different."

"Gasp! You're a hermaphrodite!" cried Luke.

"Oh my toaster Luke! How could you say that! For that, you do not get any more chocolate or Chocolateer lessons for the rest of the day!" yelled Padme.

"Ahh mom! I was just kidding!"

"No and, if's or but's about it!"

Luke giggled. "She said butts..."

"Now that is enough Luke!" yelled Obi-Wan. "Come, let's conquer this factory so we can kill my brother already."

"I heard that!" screamed Wonka, who was walking with Veronica.

"What? I didn't say anything," Obi-Wan lied.

"LIAR!" yelled Vader.

Padme cleared your throat. "I think you've already screamed that five times today."

"Who cares? I like to say that line. It's fun," said Vader defensively.

"Well, it's getting annoying," Padme replied.

"What, like you?"

"BURN!"

EriksLeadinglady: Umm... Kelso, you're not in this.

Kelso: "Darn it!"

EriksLeadinglady: Sorry bout that. Back to the story...

"You cannot deny Luke of his Sith chocolateer lessons or his chocolate. I for once agree with Obi-wan, lets take over the factory already!" Vader yelled.

Padme began pouting in the corner, she would have argued back but Vader had begun making his force choking gesture.

"Wait! First we must go to the squirrel room!" Wonka yelled.

"I sense a trap? What should we do?" Vader asked

Obi-wan yelled, "Spring the trap!"

Then the entire group walked into the squirrel room.

"These squirrels unshelled the nuts perfectly…." Wonka began.

"Daddy! I WANT A SQUIRREL!" Veruca yelled.

"Shut up brat! Or would you like to perish a long agonizing death?" Vader growled.

"I'll get the squirrel myself then!"

"Don't touch the squirrels nuts!"

"I am getting a squirrel. NOW!"

And so the little Veruca brat climbed down the ladder and entered the domain of the squirrels. Looking around at them all, she finally decided on a little one in a far corner. Slowly she crept towards it and was about to grab it when it turned around and attacked her. Soon after it had flown onto her face, all the other squirrels joined in the game and began attacking her as well. At last the squirrels were victorious and tossed her down the bad nut hole in the middle of the floor.

Wonka watched the madness in awe and then shook his head while he began to move onwards.

Vader, on the other hand, was entranced by the little devils, and admired them for taking care of Veruca.

"Those Squirrels are awesome!" Vader screamed as he was about to jump over the gate, but luckily Luke and Obi-Wan held him back, and they pulled him along into the next room.

"I want to show you guys the edible room……everything there is edible! In fact…"

"We remember from your email." Vader snarled.

"Oh……well…..eat."

"Obi-wan couldn't find any Slim Fast so he was getting aggravated, but Luke and Vader were stuffing their faces. Vader was stuffing stuff through his slot, but then Obi-wan did something very impulsive and unexpected.  
"DIET NO MORE! NEED CHOCOLATE RIVER! WANT IT! NEED IT!" Obi-wan then jumped into the stream.

"Get out of there this instant! I know where those Jedi Robes have been and you'll contaminate my river!" Wonka was yelling. Then the pipe came…………..and it sucked Obi-wan up the pipe.

"Great! Now he's clogged the pipe! Oh! Here come my Oompa Loompa's!"  
_  
Ohhhhhhh!  
Diets don't ever work!  
They never change what you really are  
A big  
Fat  
Disgusting  
Eating blob!  
Obi-wan  
The fat old fool  
Who ruined our master's life  
Now we'll turn him into fudge!  
And what a batch it will be!  
Good Bye Mr. Jedi Guy  
A freak of nature  
A mass of pie  
Now die!_

"Wowie they are violent……………." Luke stated.

"I want one!" Vader yelled.

"Next room!" Wonka yelled. He led them to a room called the inventing room. "You can look, just don't touch anything."

Vader ran and began tinkering with a machine. "I said don't touch………too late……." Once Vader had began tinkering with the machine, strange things began to  
occur...

"I'M A BALLERINA!" screamed Vader as he began dancing around in a pink  
tutu. How he got a tutu... nobody knows... that's what's so strange about it.

"NOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Luke as he watched his father become a  
very weird dancer.

"LA LA LA LA LA! I sing a pretty song!" sang Vader, whose voice was  
really horrible.

"What did you do to him you monster?" Luke asked Wonka as he grabbed  
Wonka's clothes. "What did you do?"

"Oh... well... He pushed the button. Not me."

"What did it do!"

"It... it makes people into the exact opposites of what they are."

"WHAT! What kind of imbecile would make something like that!"

"Um..." Wonka started. Then an Oompa Loompa walked up and explained and since they don't speak English, I will translate.

"Wonka doesn't have a brain...but being a chocolateer you don't really need one."

"Like the scarecrow?" asked Luke, but he immediately regretted saying  
that, for then Vader began to sing, "If I only had a brain!"

"Would someone shut him up? You with the hair!" Wonka ordered, very annoyed. The Oompa Loompa's did a salute and walked away. They soon returned with a tranquilizer. Ka Zap! Vader fell to the ground and twitched to the beat of the Oompa Loompa's next song.

_Vader! Vader!  
The evil man!  
The one who rules with a chocolate hand!  
He talks real dark, and hates the park! Now what is his problem?  
He's a brainless, fatherless, nut!  
I'm afraid he doesn't quite make the cut!  
Now we send him far away  
To where the zebras love to play  
Why here you say?  
We do not know...  
But away he'll go.  
Bye!_

They rolled away Vader's sleeping body in a wheel barrel.

Wowie!" cried Luke. "That sure did take a lot of Oompa power to move my  
dad!"

"Yes..." replied Wonka. "It sure did... Now on to the next room!"

"Oh!" yelled Padme hopelessly. "I haven't had a line in nearly two pages!"

"Come on Mom. Let's go," implied Luke,

"No."

"I bet they have lots of toasters in the next room..."

"Oh goody!" screamed Padme as she grabbed Luke by the hand. "Let's go!"

And so the group, now consisting of a lowly three, Padme, Luke, and that  
hobo kid Charlie, continued into the next room, where there were lots of televisions.

Padme, mistakenly taking a TV for a microwave, ran up to one and starting  
caressing it.

"Let me hold you," Padme sang,  
"microwave caress my body  
You got me going crazy  
Turn me on  
Turn me on."

Since she was so busy singing, she failed to notice that she had been transferred to the inside of the "microwave." Once she did notice (which was exactly 97 seconds later) she screamed her itty-bitty head off. Wonka, grudgingly, took her out, but had to send her away to be enlarged, while the Oompa Loompa's sang their next song:

_Padme never had any pals  
The poor old toaster loving gal  
She never saw it coming  
For she was too busy humming  
Now she will never be the same  
For she will forever be lame!  
Walking like a giant stick  
People will think she is a tooth pick  
I am surprised that she is alive  
She might as well go live in a bee hive!_

Still humming the little jingle, Luke skipped his way into the next room, closely followed by Charlie.

"This is my glass elevator, we will be using it for the remainder of the day."

"Yippie Skip!" Luke exclaimed while jumping into the elevator, dragging his new best friend Charlie after him. Wonka then pressed a button and they sped down corridors.

"Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" The group yelled in unison. Then the day suddenly became more random then ever, now that the four whiners were removed from the picture. All that remained were the craziest people you would ever meet.

Suddenly, the whole group broke out into song, including the entire Oompa Loompa clan.

_OHHHHHHH!  
Chocolate is the very best  
You can even paint it on your chest  
You can lick it,  
Suck it,  
Bite it,  
Chuck it  
Anything is possible!  
Chocolate makes the world go round_

_It even costs less than a pound  
There is nothing better  
Than the Chocolateer  
Who likes to make  
These scrumptious treats!  
We have witnessed the impossible  
But now we can make it possible  
For we will sell Chocolate to the world  
For we have already hurled  
Out all the icky losers!_

Then the glass elevator burst out of the top of the factory and floated downwards to view all those who had been previously taken out. And, sadly, all of them seemed to be insane...

Vader was hopping out in a straightjacket still singing.

Padme was abnormally tall from going through the taffy puller.

Veruca was covered in garbage

Obi-wan was being rolled out and was being sent to a fat camp. "I'm not fat I'm big boned!" Obi-was managed to yell through his fat cheeks.

"That's my line!" Carmen yelled. "Screw you guys! I'm going home!"

"Mr.Hat says to hurry along children...:

"Kill Kathey..."

"No Mr. Hat..."

Darth Vengeance: You aren't in this story people of South Park! You and Kelso better leave now or you will face my Sith Lord wrath!

"Screw you! This place sucks anyway!" Carmen yelled up at Darth  
Vengeance.

Darth Vengeance: Why I oughta! (Lots of censored violence...) Back to the story... (Washes hands)

And so the entire gang began their descent back to the ship, all except Luke, who was still battling for the big prize at the end. He and Charlie were still inside the elevator, heading back to the factory. Seeing the state at his father was in, Luke knew that he had to win the factory in order to return his sanity. Gathering up all of his Sith training skills, Luke turned viciously turned on Charlie and sliced the boy in half.

Wonka looked down sadly at the poor hobo boy and said, "Oh dear... what a mess... Oh well. I guess that makes you, Luke, the owner of my factory!"

"Yippee!" exclaimed Luke. "But first, you have to restore my friends to  
their normal state."

Wonka pouted. "Oh, alright. But can Obi-Wan still be fat?"

"He was already fat in the first place!" said Luke.

"I am not Fat!" screamed Obi-Wan. "I am big boned!"

"Shut up!" screamed the abnormally tall Padme. "At least you're not as tall as a skyscraper!"

"I'm a little tea pot

Short and stout," sang Vader.

"Here is my handle

Here is my spout..."

"At least we're better off than him," they both whispered to each other.

Back in the elevator, Wonka was creating a candy that would return all living things back to their normal state, just like Luke had asked. The candy turned out to be a liquid, and once it was ready, he poured it over all of the characters. Slowly, each one of them turned back to how they were before they came to the factory.

Fortunately enough for Vader, he got his wish and was able to destroy Anakin in his insanity. But sadly he was going to have what the Oompa Loompa doctor called 'random flashes', where he'd turn to a mental weirdo for short periods of time. Padme, though, didn't really notice Anakin's disappearance, for she was a little busy going through a shrink due to her love for toasters.

"Is there any way that it could love me back!" she asked the doctor.

"No ma'm...please..."

As you can see, they weren't going to well...

Obi-wan remained fat and was forced to go through fat camp.

Veruca continued to smell like garbage and continued to be spoiled.

Nobody missed Charlie either, in fact...who was Charlie?

Narrator: How could you forget?

Darth Vengeance: I blame Zaphod...

Narrator: Who is Zaphod?

Zaphod: I'm The President of the Galaxy yo!

Narrator: I thought you were there to look important to hide what's really going on.

Zaphod: I am! But I'm still good with the ladies!

Darth Vengeance: It's nice having someone to blame...

Narrator: Back to the story...

So... The entire gang, excluding Obi-Wan for he had fat camp for three weeks, went back to the spacecraft. Vader had decided to leave Luke in charge at the factory for a little bit, while he and Padme went to get Leia, Han, and Yoda. At first, Padme didn't want to leave, for she kept on thinking that the Oompa Loompa's were toasters. But at last, Vader dragged her away, saying that when they came back, she could have an Oompa Loompa as a pet. Before they left, Padme insisted that she pick out her Oompa Loompa for later. She picked the one in a red suit that was Mexican. (Even though every single Oompa Loompa looked the same, she said that she knew which one was which). So she pet her Oompa Loompa (named Toaster) on the head, and then said a tearful goodbye, thus leaving Luke all by himself with the Oompa Loompa's and Mr. Wonka.

Before he left, Vader told Luke that he had to send Mr. Wonka home ASAP. Luke agreed, but secretly planned to keep Wonka for a little longer, for he had something that he really wanted to do...

"So Mr. Wonka," Luke said to the tied up Mr. Wonka. "I will let you go, if and only if, you sing a certain song with me."

"What song is this that you speak of?" pondered Willy.

"The Goofy Goober song," Luke said menacingly.

Wonka began to twitch uncontrollably, yelling hysteria. "No... no... goobers... too many of them... can't... escape... kill... kill... spongebob... nooooo!"

"Aww... come on!" complained Luke. "It's like one of my favorite songs!"

"Only... only.. if you... let me go... will I sing... with... you..." choked out Wonka.

"Yippee!" screamed Luke. "Okay, on the count of three... 1... 2...4...5...3!"

"I'm a Goofy Goober!" started Luke.

"You're a goofy goober..." replied Wonka.

Together they sang:

"We're all goofy goobers.

Goofy, goofy, goofy, goobers YEAH!"

At the end, Luke was jumping up and down uncontrollably, while Wonka... lolled over in his seat, appearing to be dead.

Eriksleadinglady: Can we get a doctor over here!

Dr. House: Yeah, here I am. I am the best doctor.

Eriksleadinglady: Heck yes you are! So what's wrong with him?

Dr. House: Eh, Don't know. Don't really care. I hated that guy. His chocolate was poisonous and brought me many patients who were just, well, completely annoying.

Eriksleadinglady: So... we should just let him die?

Dr. House: Yep.

Eriksleadinglady: But it's Johnny Depp! We must save him! I shall give him mouth to mouth!

Dr. House: Okkkaayyy... I'm leaving.

Wonka: No, I don't need any help! Stay away from me! I'm fine!

Eriksleadinglady: Aww... darn it.

Darth Vengeance: Johnny is sooooo mine!

EriksLeadinglady: No! Mine!

Darth Vengeance: But you have Erik!

EriksLeadinglady: So? Do you even know who Erik is?

Darth Vengeance: Not a clue, but I still have dibs on Johnny!

EriksLeadinglady: You can't call dibs!

Darth Vengeance: Why not?

Luke: Can we get back to the story?

EriksLeadinglady: Fine...

Darth Vengeance: Johnny is still mine...

EriksLeadinglady: Well you killed off my Anakin, so I get Johnny!

Darth Vengeance: I had to kill off that guy. He was annoying! Besides, Darth

Vader is the best. And I still get Johnny.

Luke: We are going back to the story and I don't care what either of you  
say!

Anyways, Vader and Padme went on the ship and headed back to Coruscant, in  
an attempt to retrieve Han, Leia, and Yoda and force them to join the  
factory. Vader thought that they should all have a certain roll to play in  
the factory, and that list goes something like this...

Vader: Ruler of all.

Padme: Queen. Feed the workers. (And my Toaster!)

Luke: Second in command. Keep an eye on the Oompa Loompas.

Obi-Wan: Was non-existent, for fat camp was keeping him away. But when he is  
well, he will... still not do anything. (Hey! That's not fair)

Leia: Help make new ideas for the factory. (Little raspberry kites!) Idea already taken. (Darn it!)

Han: Help Leia. (You are at my command, Han Solo. Mwahahaha!) (Uh oh...)

Yoda: Work on way to stop Balding. (Not be bald, I will!)

And so, Vader knew that they would all abide to his rules, and listen to him. Or at least he thought so...

To be continued in Chapter 4: Wonka's Revenge!

Darth Vengeance: I want a job! Can I stalk Johnny?  
Darth Vader: Yes you may...but it'll have to wait to Chapter 4!  
Darth Vengeance: Awww...but Master...  
Darth Vader: No buts my young apprentice...  
Darth Vengeance: Fine!

EriksLeadinglady: I want a job! Oh oh oh! Give me a job!

Darth Vader: Umm…. You can… be Luke's girlfriend! Then he'll leave me alone!

EriksLeadinglady: Eww... who would want to date Luke? He's dumb. Funny, but dumb

Darth Vader: Fine! You can... be a bounty hunter!

EriksLeadinglady: Okay! I get a part! Yeah!

Darth Vengeance: Not as good as mine….

**It is a fanfiction sin to read and not review!**


	4. Wonka's Revenge

Chapter 4: Wonka's Revenge

When there's a will, there's a way. Sadly, however, for Willy Wonka, there was no will left in him - all had been stripped away from him when those miscreants had taken his factory and Oompa Loompas away from him. It was a sad moment in his life; there was no joy, only sadness. Were it not for the bounty hunter he had hired to take care of them all, he would have probably crawled away into a tiny hole, and eventually would have called himself Gollum - he already had the cough and voice down to a T.

But this bounty hunter, YuYu-Po-TapTap, was highly trained in her field. Yes, it was a she. Although, Wonka was not sure of this fact, himself, but YuYu-Po-TapTap, aka YPT, had assured him of the fact in one way or another...

So she had been hired and would be paid upon retrieval of his factory and Oompa Loompas. It would be a large sum.

YPT had been on the job for one week now, but still, Wonka had not heard back from her. He was beginning to wonder if she had duped him, but then he heard the phone ring, and he answered it saying, "Hello?"

"You have seven days..." the voice on the other end said with a raspy voice.

"Seven Days? Is this a sweepstake or something? Oh oh! Could I win 1,000,000 dollars?"

"No!" the voice hissed. "In seven days, you will be dead."

Willy Wonka gasped. "Are you psychic?"

"Seven Days, Wonka... Seven Days..."

Then the voice disappeared and there was only a buzzing noise. Suddenly, Wonka was worried for his new psychic friend. What if he had fallen off of a cliff? Or what if that buzzing was a swarm of hungry bees, peeling the flesh off of the man's body?

"Hello? Hello?" Wonka said frantically into the phone. "Can you hear me? Are you alright?"

No answer.

It was then that Wonka knew that the worst had happened and that his voice-psychic-friend-guy-thing was indeed dead. Or worse. Castrated. By bees. Wonka gulped at the thought of bees castrating him; then he whimpered.

"I must do something! Who is the most evil villain in the universe besides Darth Vader?" Wonka asked to himself. He pondered long and hard until it hit him. He picked up the phone and decided to call...

0o0o0o0o0o0o0o

Darth Vader laughed darkly from his mask and coughed in the process. Everything was going according to plan, even after he had to send the bees to...

Luke: DON'T SAY IT EVER! IT IS THE INDECENT THING THAT SHALL NOT BE NAMED!

Narrator: Anyhow...

Vader was growing very excited at the idea that the galaxy would soon be his! The idea marveled him; he even did a little dance.

"Groove you do! The groover side you can still join!" Yoda yelled at him, Vader grew angry.

"SILENCE YOU OLD GREEN BOOGER! YOU GO TO HELL AND YOU DIE!" Vader snapped; the entire cast gaped at his language and tone.

"Sorry, I am a wee bit excited!" Vader exclaimed.

"And a wee bit Irish it seems," Padme said.

"What is Irish...? Never mind! Go back to your toasters!"

"OH BOY!" Padme immediately caressed her new toaster that she forced Han to polish every ten minutes.

0o0o0oo0o0o0o0o0o0o

Wonka waited as the phone rang to his ear, his breath was short and high-pitched.

Narrator: How does he do it! How is that possible!

Wonka: Shh! I am on the phone!

Narrator: Fine...

"Hello?" The dark voice on the other side of the line answered. "This had better be good, I am eating..." Muffled screams could be heard in the background.

"Yes...I have a proposal for you sir..."

"Really? It better be good to disturb me like this."

"This is the chance to take down the most feared and evil man in the galaxy, giving you your fame and glory back!" The dark voice remained silent. "I am referring to Vader..." Wonka explained, the voice snapped back at him:

"OF COURSE I KNOW THAT!" The voice composed itself. "Where are you now?" the voice asked calmly.

"On the outskirts of England."

"Very well, I shall be there tomorrow night..." Screams were once again heard and then there was a long awkward silence. Wonka then laughed his first evil laugh, and it sounded quite nice.

Narrator: Well of course, it's Johnny...

"SILENCE!" roared Vader, who was standing in his factory (sticks his tongue out at Wonka). "This is my story! Mine I tell you! The world... the world is mine!! My precious..."

Padme was staring at her husband with her eyebrows raised. "Okay... Um, honey, have you taken your medication?"

Vader then backed himself into a corner, screaming in anguish. "No! No! Not the needles! The sedation! NOOOOO!!! Stay away from me!"

Slowly Padme approached him, holding the needle in her hands. There was only one way to take care of this... She began to sing. "I wanna be sedated..."

Vader stopped moving.

"Nothing to do, no where to go-o-oh!"

Then Vader joined her in the joyous music.

"I wanna be sedated. Just put me in a wheelchair get me to the show. Hurry, hurry, hurry, before I go loco! I can't control my fingers, I can't control my toes!"

Then just Vader sang. "Oh no oh oh oh oh."

And by that time, Padme had injected him with the needle, and he was sedated, but still swaying gaily to the music that was only inside his head.

0o0o0o0o0oo0o0o0o0o0o

In England, Wonka sat across the table from a man clothing in all black clothes, wearing a cape. Both men were sipping tea like jolly old chaps.

"So tell me, Dracula, was it? What are your plans for Vader and his chocolateers?"

Dracula sipped his tea and then looked at Wonka. "I want to suck your blood."

Wonka stared at the man, aghast. "You're going to suck their blood?"

"Did I stutter?"

"No, no, but you said your blood, not their blood."

Dracula looked at Wonka strangely. "Is your blood not part of the deal?"

Wonka sighed; evil villains were so hard to work with. "I said that I shall sign myself over to you as your humble servant, and give you a contract in blood. Nothing, at all, to do with your sucking me dry."

"But if you are my humble servant, willing to do as I say, then why can I not use your blood? If I want you to give me your neck as my servant, am I not entitled to do so?"

Wonka gulped fearfully. "I-I suppose so. But would you not rather have a loyal subject than just another disposable... creature? I mean, I rather enjoy living... Although I have lost everything in a spit o' jealously... and rage..." Then Wonka got a sad, confused, frightened look on his face. "Papa?"

Tearing him out of his reverie, Wonka felt something cold, wet, and smelly strike him across his face. He looked at Dracula, stunned, to find him holding a large fish.

"Did you just hit me with a fish?"

"No."

"Then why are you holding a fish?"

"I'm not."

And sure enough, when Wonka looked at Dracula's hand, there was no fish. Wonka cocked his head to the side, whispering, "Funny..."

"Ah well," said Wonka as he pulled out a train ticket. "This will take you to my factory, and to Vader. I also sent another hired, hit-man, to that place, but I haven't heard back from her..."

A smiled played at Dracula's lips. "I sucked her blood."

Wonka stared at the creature, slightly shocked, but not all that surprised. "Is she... dead?"

"Eh, after I finished her I threw her corpse off a cliff."

"Living dead, possibly?"

Dracula shook his head. "No, no, after I'm done with em, that's impossible."

"Improbable, you mean."

Dracula only shrugged his shoulders as he rose from his seat, getting ready to go off on his journey. Just as he was about to leave, Wonka said, "Your ticket!"

"I don't need a ticket," was all Dracula said before he transformed into his large, bat-like form and flew away.

Wonka stared at Dracula as he flew away and sighed wistfully as he placed his head in his hand. "He will do great things..."

Dracula landed outside the courtyard, wanting to hurry and finish the mission so he could drink from Wonka. He could almost taste the sweet chocolaty blood... trickling down his throat...

'No!' thought Dracula. 'I must concentrate!'

Dracula began to climb the walls into the factory and peered into the window to find a highly disturbing sight.

Darth Vader was sedated and singing on the ground as a little green man was trying to pin a tail on Vader's rear. A young woman was caressing a toaster behind them as a young man was screaming about these toasters.

"What is this toaster of which they speak?!!" Dracula exclaimed. There was so much commotion inside they didn't notice him peering in through the window.

"WHAT HAS WONKA GOTTEN HIMSELF INTO?!!" Dracula cried out, flipping onto the ice floor below.

"Well, it'll be worth it... I can still almost TASTE HIM!"

Mrs. Vladislaus Dracula: But I thought you loved me...**sniff**

Dracula: I do honey...

Mrs. Vladislaus Dracula: Then why desire him! **points at next set where Wonka is sitting** I know he is Johnny...but what about me!

Dracula: I'll share his blood with you...

Mrs. Vladislaus Dracula: Hmm...

Dracula: And you can kill off another one of my fan girls...

Mrs. Vladislaus Dracula: It's a deal! **whistles happily while returning to writing**

Anyway...Inside...

"Pin you I must! Use the force I will!" Vader moaned as Yoda stuck the tail into his leg.

"Missed again I did!" Yoda cursed angrily under his breath as he removed the tail and began to spin again. Vader was slowly regaining conscious.

"If you wish upon a ...bar? No... STAR!" Vader sang wearily, Yoda frowned.

"Darn," he hid the tail behind his back. "Until the next time!"

He put on his Zorro mask and leapt away, screaming about Chuck Norris and rocks.

There was so much commotion that they did not hear Dracula drop in. Dracula moved stealthily throughout the factory, getting distracted for only a few moments at the large strange machinery.

"What to do..." He then saw Princess Leia, acting normal in the corner, reading some holocroms.

"Hello my dear!" he breathed down her neck as she dropped the projector to the ground.

"W-who are you?!!" she gasped. He grinned.

"That is of no importance..."

He then grabbed her arm and covered her mouth. Leia tried screaming... but his hands were too strong.

"There, there, my dear...it will all be over soon..." He bared his fangs, and she turned a ghastly white.

"WHAT ARE YOU?!!" she was able to say through his hand, he only smiled as he shifted into his Hellbeast form.

0o0o0o0o00o0o0o

Han was busy in the corner, polishing yet another toaster.

"Damn...why do I have to polish all these toasters!"

He scrubbed in violent circles when Padme walked over.

"You missed a spot..." she gasped, shrieking at him.

He slammed the toaster to the ground as she cried out in anger.

"NOW THE TOASTER GOD WILL GET YOU! LOOK WHAT YOU HAVE DONE!"

As if on cue, Luke came screaming down the hall.

"LEIA IS GONE!" he yelled as he waved his arms frantically.

"Have you looked for her?" Han yelled, ignoring Padme's yells about toasters.

"No," Luke responded simply.

"Then how do you know she is gone?!!" Han snapped bitterly as Padme tugged on his pant leg.

"THE TOASTER GOD HAS DAMNED YOU AND MY DAUGHTER! NOW HE HAS TAKEN HER! LOOK! THERE HE FLIES!" Padme pointed excitedly to the window as Dracula flew away.

"COME BACK! NO MORE TOASTERS SHALL BE DESTROYED! SEE! HE'LL FIX IT!" She thrust the toaster at Han. "FIX IT! SO LEIA WILL BE SPARED FROM YOUR STUPIDITY!" Han glared at Padme, his eyes seething angrily.

"Oh...my...God..." Han breathed in a mix of shock and annoyance.

"DON'T TAKE THE TOASTER GOD'S NAME IN VAIN!"

"Now what do we do...?" Han asked.

"WE MUST MAKE A SACRIFCIE!" Padme roared as she lunged herself savagely at Han. Luckily, Luke was there to hold her back.

"Mom, we're not going to sacrifice Han…" he tried to reason.

Suddenly, Padme stopped her struggling and turned to face Luke. "You're right… I MUST SACRIFICE MY SON TO THE TOASTER GODS!!!!" she cried, her eyes wild. "COME LUKE! COME TO THE TOASTERY ALTER!!!!!"

But Padme tried to move her son in vain, for he was too strong for her – even with the toaster powers that she possessed. Then Padme gave up weakly, grabbing the nearest toaster and petting it softly while she cooed to it in the corner.

Then, from the doorway, came Vader, who was looking up, counting all the ceiling tiles. When he saw them, he stopped in his tracks and said, "There are exactly 234,386,013 ceiling tiles in this factory!"

Padme, Han, and Luke all looked up at the ceiling only to find that there were, in fact, zero ceiling tiles, since the ceiling was just metal. Luke raised his eyebrows at his father. "Um sure dad. Just like there are that many buttons on a sheep."

Vader shook his head sadly. "My son is such a dolt… Everyone knows that there are only three muttons in a sheep!" Then he began to giggle like a silly little schoolgirl. "Get it?" he asked between fits of laughter. "I said muttons instead of buttons? Mutton chops!!!!" More insane cackling mixed with a few coughs.

Luke then turned back to Han and Padme, finally getting to the situation at hand. "Okay, now we are just getting off the subject here… Leia has been kidnapped and…"

But before Luke could get any farther, there came a loud beeping noise from outside as well as a knock from the door. Luke's eyes widened in joy and he skipped gaily out of the room.

A few minutes later, Luke reentered the room, screaming, "IT'S HERE!!!!"

Padme's head shot up. She then rose to her feet, her hands reaching up to the heavens as she screamed, "THE TOASTER GODS HAVE FINALLY COME TO CLAIM ME!!!!! OH MIGHTY TOASTER, TAKE ME NOW!!!! I AM READY!!!!"

"No, mom!" yelled Luke, his eyes wild. "_It's_ here!"

Silence.

"My order?"

More silence.

"From ?"

And more silence.

Luke sighed. "It's a giant microwave!!!!!"

And still more silence.

"It's 40x20!!!" continued Luke, who was not discouraged by the lack of enthusiasm. "It even comes with three special features! Low, Medium, and High for each setting, such as popcorn, with or without butter, or even steak!" Then Luke giggled. "You could even just throw a cow in there, and then poof! Steak!"

Han just waved him off with his hand to silence him. "Yeah, that's great Luke. But what are we going to do about Leia? Where is she?"

Luke's bottom lip quivered as tears began to swell in his eyes. "You don't care about my microwave?"

Han thought about it for a moment, Luke giving him the puppy dog eyes. Then Han just shrugged his shoulders. "Nope, not really."

Luke shot Han a hateful glare before he ran wailing from the room.

"What a banshee…" muttered Han.

Meanwhile...in Castle Dracula...

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME?!! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?!!" Leia shrieked, as Dracula rolled his eyes.

"No, and I don't care... am I the only person here with any common sense?"

Narrator: It's expected, you're the great Richard Roxburgh!

Dracula: O, I see!

Anyway...

Leia was flailing around, and Dracula was getting annoyed very quickly...

"SILENCE! YOU INFERNAL PAMPERED BRAT! BE SILENT! SILENT I SAY!" Dracula smacked her across the face with a fish.

"How dare you! When Han gets here..."

"He'll do what? Shank me with a stake? Splash me with holy water? Hmm? Slice off my head perhaps?" He tied Leia to a column.

"Now, where did that blasted girly man go...what's his name… Noka, Lonka… WONKA?!!" Willy ran into the room.

"You rang?" He then noticed Leia. "O goody! What do you have planned?"

"Well, she's very pretty and I would make her my bride if I was single…"

**Mrs. Vladislaus Dracula throws him a dirty look**

"I'm going to pay for saying that later...oh dear...ANYWAY! We hold her ransom in exchange for your stupid factory, and then I will deplete both of you of blood and make you my ghouls."

"Don't you have to not be a virgin for that to happen?" wondered Wonka in his high-pitched voice.

"You're a virgin?" exclaimed Dracula. But then, noticing his attire and the way he looked, Dracula mumbled, "I should have known..." A pause. "ANYWAY! I will make you two get married, and then I shall turn you both into ghouls to do my bidding! MWA HA HA HA HA!" Wonka smiled at the thought of being with Leia.

"Good God! Anyone but Mr. Girly over there!" Leia shrieked.

"Well, there is Igor..."

"HAN! HELP ME!"

Back at the factory…

"Sing a song of six heads, a pocketful of blood!" bellowed Vader as he skipped down the hallways. "Four and twenty oompa's baked in a pie! When the pie was open, the mini's began to sing, 'Now wasn't that a funny job to set before the king? Vader!!"

He stopped outside of a door where he heard crying coming from inside. He paused there for a moment, listening to the tears. In an instant, he knew that this was Luke… his one and only son… what a wimp… Knowing what he had to do, Vader broke down the door (even though it was unlocked) and ran in, his light saber blazing.

"Mwahahaha!!! You are mine now!!"

"Papa?"

"Yes! It is unexpected and inevitable to meet your doom!"

"No! No! Keep away Dooku!!!"

Vader lowered his weapon. "Dooku? You are an even bigger imbecile than I thought, Luke!"

"What? Luke? I'm not Luke!"

Vader turned on the light and, low and behold, there was sitting Willy Wonka. At once, Vader went into a blind rage, and screamed his helmet off. Not really, it's a figure of speech… Anyways, Vader charged at Willy, screaming, "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH MY SON!!! IF YOU RAPED HIM, YOU DISGUSTING PEDIPHILE, I'LL MAKE SURE THAT LITTLE WILLY AND THE TWINS MEET THEIR DOOM!!!!!"

Wonka shuddered at the thought. "Please, have mercy!" begged Willy. "I didn't touch him, I swear! He saw me walking and he attacked me, throwing me in here! I swear I didn't do anything! Oh please, have mercy!!"

"How did you get here? Weren't you… not here…?"

"Well… you see… Um, well, it's unexplainable, I suppose. I guess I was just curious what my factory was up to, now that I wasn't here…"

"So where is my son?"

"I… I…" stuttered Willy. "I don't know! With Dracula, I presume!"

Vader grabbed his throat. "Where?"

"In his castle! Outside of town!"

"Do you have directions?" asked Vader politely.

"Do you have paper and a pen?"

Vader let go of Willy's neck and grabbed the items from nowhere, handing them to the ex-chocolateer.

Wonka began to draw a map. "So, go down this road, ten miles, turn left and follow the blue flames. They'll bring you to where you need to go. His house..." continued Willy, "looks something like this" – he drew a very detailed picture, fully equipped with trees and the closest Dairy Queen – "… and then your son should be there somewhere…"

Vader grabbed the paper and then ran away, going to seek some help.

Back in Dracula's castle, 'Wonka' was standing very close to Leia, who was still screaming her head off at the thought of Willy and… little Willy… or was it Big Willy? She shuddered at the mere thought. However, when 'Wonka' was close enough, he whispered in Leia's ear, "Leia, it's okay, it's me Luke."

Leia stopped screaming for a split second and whispered back, "But Luke is a pathetic wimp! He would never come here! Besides, you look like Wonka!"

Luke pouted at his sister. "I am not a pathetic wimp!"

However, he said this loudly enough that Dracula could hear them, and this caught his attention.

"Did she call you a wimp? Well, if the gloves fit…"

"Why yes!" called Luke. "The gloves fit fine, thank you!"

Leia suddenly gasped. "Oh my force… You are Luke!"

"Of course you silly little thing! Do I really look that much like Wonka?" replied Luke, who, once again, opened his big mouth, which held a too-loud voice inside that said one too many unintelligent things.

Dracula heard this and turned to 'Wonka', whom he now noticed was not Wonka at all, but Luke Skywalker! He scowled in rage.

"I'VE BEEN DUPED!!!!" he bellowed. "BY LUKE??????? HOW DID THIS HAPPEN????? AREN'T I SMARTER THAN HE IS? OH PLEASE, SOMEONE TELL ME THAT I AM SMARTER THAN LUKE!!!!!! HE IS D-U-M-B!!!!!!"

"Hey!" Luke shouted back. "I am NOT Dumbo!!! Although, I would like to own the dvd…." He turned to Leia. "It is the collector's edition, you know."

"You're a bigger dolt then I ever expected...DAMN! Well I will prevail! All your souls will be mine! ALL OF THEM! NOW! I shall rape Leia and make her my bride! MWAH HA HA HA HA!" Dracula advanced on Leia until a shrill voice cried out from a darkened hallway.

"DRACULA! I thought you loved me!" A woman ran out of the hallway and tackled him to the ground. She hugged him and glared at Leia. "YOU STAY AWAY FROM MY MAN! GOT IT!"

"I don't want anything to do with him...I already have a boyfriend!"

"Ah! So you thought you could steal mine so you could have two! You manizer! Well, I wont let you steal Vlad from me!"

"He was trying to rape me!" Leia protested.

"SHE LIES! I did no such thing! She was trying to seduce me!" The women held him like a small child.

"You two are going down!" Luke stared at them in a confused manner.

"My...brain...going down? Dumbo...toasters..."

"Dear Satan, you are a dunce!" Dracula called out, Luke had steam coming out of his ears. Leia smacked her face in annoyance. Suddenly, to add to the chaos, Vader smashed into the door.

"SON! LEIA! I AM...HOLY MOTHER OF SITH!" He stared at Luke.

"You...are no longer...my son..."

Luke began to cry. "Why Father? WHY!"

"You betrayed my teaching for that of Wonka! You are wearing his robes! My own son... AND YOU!" He pointed at Dracula. "HOW DARE YOU KIDNAP MY DAUGHTER!"

"DON'T YOU POINT FINGERS AT ME! I WAS ONLY DOING MY JOB!"

"JOB! WHAT JOB?! SPEAK YOU BLOODY BAT!" Vader roared

"SILENCE YOU MORTAL FOOL! I WAS HIRED BY SOMEONE!" Dracula retorted angrily.

"WHO!?" Vader screamed.

"I am not telling you idiot, come Caitlyn, lets go so we can finish the job later!"

"Okay!" They began skipping away.

"HOLD IT RIGHT THERE! YOU WILL TELL ME!"

"I think I won't, your tricks only work on the weak minded, and I am a very brilliant man, my good sir." Dracula pointed out dully. Caitlyn nodded earnestly beside him.

"You can't beat my Vlad!"

Then Vlad transformed into his hellbeast form and flew he and Caitlyn out of the castle. After them, Vader yelled, "I'LL GET YOU, YOU MULL-BRAINED TWIT OF A…. MONKEY!!!!!"

He had no idea what that meant, really, but he thought it sounded pretty good. Then Vader turned back to his son, who had just finished releasing Leia.

"Luke!!"

"Yes?" responded Luke timidly.

"Who is your Master?"

"You are."

"Good. Let's go."

Back at the factory, Han had his hands placed firmly over his ears in order to try and block out the screams coming from Padme. After Vader had left, Padme had begun nagging again about the toasters. Now, Han was on the brink of insanity, and he feared that he could not take it any longer.

"Shut up about the damn TOASTERS!!!!" he bellowed at last, shocking Padme into a silence… for about a millisecond.

"YOU NERFHERDER!!!! YOU BANTHA FODDER!!!! YOU WILL ROT IN THE DEPTHS OF HELL FOR SAYING THAT!!!! YOU'LL BECOME A TINY BURNT LITTLE CRISP AND I WILL LAUGH AT YOU!!! OH YES, YOU WAIT AND SEE!!!!!"

"I…. WILL… NO LONGER… PUT UP WITH YOUR… TOASTERS!!!! I HOPE ALL THE TOASTERS IN THE GALAXY WILL GO ON RECALL!!! THEN, THEY WILL NO LONGER EXIST, AND WE WILL ALL HAVE TO EAT COLD POP-TARTS!!!" Han then began to laugh maniacally.

Padme gasped at his words. Then tears sprung into her eyes as her bottom lip quivered. "Cold… pop-tarts?" she whispered quietly. The thought was too much to bear. Her eyes widened and they glistened with fresh tears. "Vivé la toasters!!!" she said harshly before she stormed out the room, leaving Han by himself.

"Finally…" he muttered under his breath.

In the other room, Yoda was busying himself with some special formulas – specifically hair re-growth formulas. Actually, he was so into his work that he was making lyrics to the fizz of the chemicals, as well as the occasional pops.

"Fizzzzzzzzzzzzzz the hair will fizzzzzzzzzz and then my head will fizzzzzzzz with hair that fizzzzzzzzzzzzz –eess. And fizzzzzzzzzz. And then the hairs will pop! Pop! Pop! Bubble with fizzzzzzz and then grow with a pop! Pop! Pop!"

It was at this moment that Padme came storming in, sniffling about Han and Posters.

Yoda looked up from his work as Padme stopped at the counter. He sighed. "Find your... ahem… posters too, Han did?"

Padme looked at his sharply. "What?"

Yoda cleared his throat. "Find your posters, he did, of you nude? From Playboy days?"

"I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU NEVER," Padme yelled, "TO SPEAK OF THAT AGAIN, YOU OLD NEWT!!!! AND WHERE DID THAT MAN FIND THEM???? I THOUGHT YOU BURNED THEM!!!!!"

Yoda paused. "Kept one or two, I may have… Han find them, I did not say. Asked you, I did."

"Well, no," sniffed Padme. "He… he… he said some nasty things about my toasters though…"

"Your 'toasters' very nice, they are."

"I know!! But Han just doesn't understand! I even let him polish them, and he complained the whole time!!!"

"Crazy man, Han is. Polish your toasters, I will, if you would like," suggested Yoda hopefully.

But Padme shook her head, which caused Yoda's ears to droop. "No, it's okay. He did most of them."

And then she continued on her way, knowing that any life without polished toasters was not a life worth living.

**A/N: WE ARE ALIVEEEEE!!!!!!! oh snap. Ok, well we are half alive I guess. This chapter has actually been written forever, but I kinda forgot. heehee. Anyway, hope you likey-ed nonetheless!**

**Hoping you laughed, and if you didn't, hoping you lose your ability to ever laugh again,**

** & **


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